gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
