New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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