Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
