He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
