Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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