I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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