My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
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Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
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Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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