I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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