I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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