I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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