So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Randomize
