I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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