some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
