I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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