Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
