a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
