God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
