PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
