My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
