god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
