he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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