I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
