She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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