I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize