mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
