Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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