It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Randomize
