I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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