it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
