I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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