drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
