I don't usually arrange sex via text message
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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