Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
