my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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