i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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