My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
