I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
