my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
