just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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