he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
