are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
My penis needs a shock collar
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
