so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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