The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
