I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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