his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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