Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
