Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
