Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
