what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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