For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
