i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
