Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
