I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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