ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize