I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
