Betty ford says i'm here all night
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
