Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
