I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just saw a hot homeless man
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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